Vivien ♀ Twenty one (21) English Literature Major ✎ A Gleek ♬ I love you like a love song

Day 22—A website

This being the internet and you people being internet-savvy people, I'd say you've probably seen the likes of xkcd, Geekologie and other awesome sites. So here's one very, very creepy (if you think you're being stalked) website where you can stalk a person and all his or her web-based activities based on his or her email address. I mean it only works for those sites which don't really provide security and keep your email hidden from searches, like, I don't know, Friendster. But it's still nice to see how much the internet knows of you.

So: Pipl.com, if you're into stalking and all that. I stalked myself, and found out that I still haven't deleted my Friendster account, which is totally lame. Considering how I've only got 33 friends and Friendster is so 2004. So I deleted it, of course. Then I searched for myself on pipl and realised that information was still there! Glad to know the internet is forever. Oh, and guess what, I do have a LiveJournal account. Who knew? But I never posted a single thing. Nice to keep your options open though.

Day 16- Another picture of yourself


Yay. This was when we went out during the summer vacation (I have no idea what it's called. Summer break? Three month slack fest?) to watch a movie(?) I think. Either way we had overpriced coffee after whatever we did, the staple of our too-rich, too-spoilt generation. And yes, it's the vest again. I haven't worn it for months though. Vests look better when the person has a boyish figure, and I don't have one unfortunately. I don't know, I would kill to have one of those skinny no-boobs androgynous look but noooooo, because I'm fat. I mean clothes which would look absolutely cheap (in the other, non-monetary sense) would look positively good (duh. Positively good. Redundant adjective is redundant) on a person with the boyish body structure. And because it's always been my childhood dream to look like/act like a boy, it's absolutely sad that I'd end up looking nothing like one.

No, seriously, it'd be quite a compliment if someone were to say I looked like a boy. I mean, in the past before all the stupid hormones and stuff. Because I strived (strived is correct, dumbass americano spellcheck!) to look like a boy and to be mistaken as one would mean I have perfected it, and that would have been awesome. But of course, no. I've been mistaken as a mum (from the back, when I was in Primary 5. It was the most mortifying thing in the world. Oh, and when I went to the bank opposite my house to cancel my "children's account", the woman was like "Oh, how old are your children?" and I was like wtf), as another person (I don't know, those random people who are like "(Some name which isn't yours)?" and you're like "Uhhh."), as a person younger than 19 (this year), but not once as a boy/male. Not even when I was young and boob-less. How is that fair?! I wore board shorts and big t-shirts every single day, and all those bad sartorial choices for nothing.

Anyway, I was feeling hopelessly depressed today, so I talked to Chip on Facebook, stumbled a lot, and just whiled my time away on the internet. And then I realised I was just being a mopey ass because life isn't all that bad. At least I wasn't working full-time at Hoya or something like that. And at least I'm not living in a country where Sarah Palin can run for and may become President. I mean seriously, that woman doesn't know a thing she's talking about. No, really:

Couric: Why isn't it better, Governor Palin, to spend $700 billion helping middle class families who are struggling with health care, housing, gas and groceries, allow them to spend more and put more money into the economy, instead of helping these big financial institutions that played a role in creating this mess?

Palin: That's why I say I, like every American I'm speaking with, were ill about this position that we have been put in where it is the taxpayers looking to bail out. But ultimately, what the bailout does is help those who are concerned about the health care reform that is needed to help shore up our economy, helping - it's got to be all about job creation, too, shoring up our economy and putting it back on the right track. So health care reform and reducing taxes, and reining in spending has got to accompany tax reductions and tax relief for Americans.

And trade, we've got to see trade as opportunity, not as a competitive, scary thing. But one in five jobs being created in the trade sector today.

We've got to look at that as more opportunity. All those things under the umbrella of job creation. This bailout is a part of that.

Come on, I'm all for girl power, all those feminist theories about the male-gaze and subjugation and whatever (sorry, I don't really know too much about feminist theories, except that feminists don't burn bras. According to Vina), and the whole not-sticking-to-what-society-dictates thing, but seriously, if that bimbo becomes President, it'll really mean the world is ending.

Never mind that.

Day 23—A YouTube video



Neil Patrick Harris! He is awesome. Neil Patrick Harris + Elmo = BEST

Day 17- Someone you would want to switch lives with for one day and why

Hmm. I'd want to switch lives with someone whose life is more interesting and less boring than mine. Which is like, almost everybody, so anybody would do. Gah.

But enough of this self-loathing. I'd spiral if I keep on with it. And when I spiral, bad things happen- I either stop eating proper meals or start binging like mad, then I'd fail horribly at the iron test; I'd start having insomnia and feeling horribly lethargic when I'm awake; I'd start overthinking everything and spiraling into a deeper funk; etc etc. So, no spiraling! You're happy, and you better act that way dammit!

Well, have to sleep early, 9am paper tomorrow, the worst sort of paper if you're not staying in hall. I miss that, the liberty to go to bed late and wake up fifteen minutes before lessons begin. I still go to bed late, but now I have to wake up two hours before lessons, and that is taking a toll on my mental state. And my body, but I don't really care too much about that for now. Youth is wasted on the young. Not that I'm that young. Fuck I don't want to turn twenty. Sorry for the vulgar title. It's a song. That makes it okay.

I'm reading the papers, and the front page headline of Home was "Students write own graduation testimonials". Apparently, people don't know that students write their own testimonials. :O That's a look of shock, by the way. So anyway, nothing wrong with that revelation, except the part where they say

But school heads who were interviewed refuted claims by students and stressed that the testimonials are the work of their teachers.

and also,

the drafts the students hand in are to make sure that the teachers include as far as possible all the student's activities and achievements.

But the tone and comments on the student's strengths and traits still come from the teacher.

Yeah, totally, if the "tone and comments on" means "copy and paste of". The bullshit school PRs come up with. Testimonials are almost totally written by students, and teachers add almost nothing of worth to them, because honestly, who has the time right? Schools burden the teachers so much and now they have to edit drafts of incompetent students too? Hell naw. And I'm not being scathing here, I mean teachers have got to be the most overworked bunch of people in the world. You have to deal with people (not only people, teenage people too. Teenagers are the worst), you have to set papers, you have to mark papers, you have to deal with people mocking you. Even though I absolutely loathed some teachers (actually, teacher), I respect their choice to become teachers. It takes guts and a certain sacrifice to do so.

What really irks me is that the schools, instead of saying "YEAH WE ASK STUDENTS TO WRITE TESTIMONIALS SO WHAT SUCK IT UP LOSERS!", lie through their teeth. And this report stems from the parent news that the fallen ex-scholar's testimonial had no mention of his peeping-into-girl's-room-get-ass-pwned-by-cane incident, which MOE is totally blaming for their screw up "OH THE TEACHERS DIDN'T SAY THAT HIS ASS GOT PWNED SO WE CHOSE HIM HUR HUR IT'S THEIR FAULT NOT OURS". Oh please, isn't the entire system created by you? It's like blaming your arm for accidentally downloading 50 videos of child porn ("BAD ARM! IT'S YOUR FAULT, NOT MINE!").

And Straits Times, and also probably TNP, must be having a field day (field days) with all these scandalous MOE news. If there's one thing journalists hate it's having to communicate with PR government people, and here's a nice bitch-slap for all the grief they've caused, collecting all those quotes and bits of information which pretty much serve as a middle finger to the system, like "Screw you and your bureaucracy! I've got more dirt to dish". Don't you just love news which undermines the system, even if it's only a small hiccup (because honestly, the PR machine of the system can't be beat).

When I'm older, I want to own a dog. Not one of those puny ones, but a really cool, friendly large dog. My sister's afraid of dogs though. Okay time to take a nap. Bye.

"In general, says Robert McPeek, director of research at the Center for Applications of Psychological Type, introverts are more self-critical than others—but also more realistic in their self-assessments."

Hell yeah. I knew all humans were stupid and doomed to misery. And I've been wasting time on the internet for the past hour or so, and that's horrible. D: But if you're into reading about introverts like I am (stumbledupon it, I don't Google that; not that big a freak), here's something.

Okay bye.

I cannot resist the Internet. I've been checking out random bookmarked sites and Facebook intermittently while trying to study. I'm at Lecture 5 now (7 more to go, I think), and I need to blog! I need to tell people things! I knew I should have went to White Sands to study. I don't function well with a laptop in front of me. Ugh.

Hello Earth! My first exam, a New Media one involving writing three essays out of the four questions, will be held tomorrow. Which means I have to go back to school. :( I don't like going to NUS, when I'm not staying in NUS. It's just depressing.

My first exam's on Tuesday and I haven't done anything except to print out the PPT slides for the lectures I missed/did not bother printing notes beforehand for. There are about 11 chapters, so I'm like, "Chill bro, there's still time". Except there are tons of readings and I'm supposed to know stuff about Singapore's policies in terms of censorship, media, and art. I don't know anything about that, so there's a slight shadow of panic there. But it's only Saturday, right?

So, right after my whole "rage against the machine!" post, the system has to prove me right with this. Okay, okay, it didn't prove me right, but seriously, it just shows you how flawed the whole bloody system is. Because the system is built fundamentally on elitism, and is one which judges people based on how they present themselves in a first-impression, snap judgement way, which can absolutely be faked. I mean if I had faked a little enthusiasm and gone against everything I believe in in the interview I'd probably had a shot at the scholarship too. So who has that sort of screwed up, elitist system picked? A child-porn addict.

Day 19—A talent of yours

Dear you,

No, scratch that, more like, Screw you, I think your idea of what constitutes a beautifully crafted essay is completely wrong, and you wouldn't know a beautiful piece if it bit you in your fluffed up head.

Love,

Vivien

PS Attached is my amended statement

Done. Now that I've raged against the machine (not really, since no one reads this dump), I shall really go craft a "beautiful" (read: full of BULLSHIT) statement. Bye.

Day 18—Whatever tickles your fancy

I was reading a journal article on Salman Rushdie's Midnight's Children and the journal author used this word: Coterminous. What the frack right? Yeah so I don't know the word, which means a short online dictionary search away, and it means:

1: having the same or coincident boundaries
2: coextensive in scope or duration

But really, Coterminous? I know academic lingo is idiosyncratic and irritating, but come one, she also uses the word "putative" (i.e. commonly accepted or supposed), and it's only the freaking abstract. Yeah big words are so impressive.

Day 17—An art piece (painting, drawing, sculpture, etc.)

So I'm probably the least Artsy person in terms of fine art and high culture (I'm a crude, crude person). But since art is a very very very broad category:


Aww. You gotta love Calvin and Hobbes.

Day 11- Another picture of you and your friends


Thought I'd mix it up a little; nobody likes seeing photos of the same people over and over again, right? Here are some of my Primary School friends. And it was taken during the summer (har har) break. This year. I know right? Who still meets up with their P5 friends? Whoa that's like 9 years of friendship. Almost half our lives (incidentally, when we turn 22, it'd be exactly half our lives. D: Shit I don't wanna turn 22). Anyways, yep, a picture of me and my (other set of) friends.

I should go to sleep now. I have to wake up at 6 tomorrow, ultimate killer. No wonder I'm still sick despite drinking Chuan Bei. Don't know about you, but to me it just tastes like boiled rock sugar.

Hello fellow users of the internets! I bring you great news. Facebook has taken stalking to a whole new level. Don't know what I mean? Just go to any one of your friend's profile, and under his or her display picture, you'll see some choices. One of them will be "(Name) and you" (at least I think it is, mine's in French so it says "(Name) et vous"). And when you click on it you can see all past wall postings, photographs, events and whatever hanky panky you've been up to on Facebook with said person.

BUT WAIT. Not only that, at the right side there's a search function which allows you to search for said person's Facebook flirts relationship with anyone you wish to stalk! So effectively, if you want to view a relationship progression or see if any of your friends have been flirting with someone behind you back, you can now do it!

Ingenious. Happy stalking!

(BTW, I'm not such a creep; I read about this new function online a couple of weeks ago but since Facebook likes to stagger its new functionalities (of stalking people), it hadn't reached Singapore users yet, I think. But now it has! Hoorah for online creepiness!)

(Update)
Of course, to my disappointment, you can still only stalk people who are your friends. But you see what Facebook does? It knows exactly what their members are up to, and use that knowledge to come up with tools to ensure that people are hooked on Facebook for hours! Although it isn't as good as Farmville, which has gotten people into debt buying all those fake tomatoes and whatnot with real cash. Sheesh, obsession much? All right, back to stalking my friends!

Movies I want to catch:

1. The Social Network
2. Scott Pilgrim vs the World (maybe)
3. Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows (I can almost hear Choo's derision)

That's about it. Remember how I'm the only human on Earth, apart from Judy, who didn't catch Inception? Yeah that was lame. And the title of this blog post? It's from this really old song my father used to play on the car's stereo. It's really cheesy.

I have an inexplicable craving for cake.

I am so sick. All right, I'm exaggerating, but my throat's pretty bad and there's like the taste of sickness on my tongue. And my nose is runny. I don't know what did it, the late nights or the incredibly bad diet. But either way, ughhhhh. I hate feeling sick.

Day 16—A song that makes you cry (or nearly)

Well. I don't mean to be mean, but come on, crying when you hear a song? But it's just me, because I haven't had many heart-breaking moments in my life, and honestly, I'm a boring little inexperienced blight, so I don't really cry when I hear songs. But I was once a weepie weenie, in Secondary 4 when they showed 天堂的阶梯 (yes, I watched that, don't judge me) at 11 on Channel U every weeknight. You know when they played that so totally melancholic weepie of a song every single time something sad happens to the tragic, stoic heroine, I'd be that close to crying. Like, when she almost goes blind, or the guy she loves leaves her- the works. Anyway, yeah, that song is the closest you'd get. And maybe the graduation song by that washed up singer nobody knows now, but only when it's graduation time and/or I'm feeling really nostalgic.

Day 10- Songs you listen to when you are Happy, Sad, Bored, Hyped, Mad

Really? Songs again? I shall surprise you (or not) with my collection of banally pop songs.

*Uh, oh yeah, I was blogging. Got sidetracked a while reading about some new web browser which requires you to log into Facebook, because it allows you to do the whole social networking thingamajig while surfing the web. That's the thing about the Internet. You get sidetracked for hours, even without Facebook's help*

*Okay, sidetracked again, this time by TV. I'm trying out the new 9pm show, which stars Michelle Chong, Cynthia Koh and Apple Hong or whatever her name is. It's about housewives who try their hand at solving some murder case. D: Uh, it doesn't sound anything like quality TV, but I shall give Mediacorp a chance. It can't get worse than My Hand in Yours (which I didn't watch, but from the advertisements you could tell it was crappier than a pile of doggy poo), can it?*

Anyway,
Happy: Anything by Jason Mraz. You and I both, for now.
Sad: Eh. Probably the Glee version of Dream a little dream of me. Artie sounds so sad.
Bored: Any Lady Gaga song. Okay maybe not Speechless, which is kinda melancholic. I'd choose Summerboy from her first album, which is so bubblegum-pop it's not Gaga at all.
Hyped: Eh. Hyped? Like, hyped up for something? Suddenly I see, by KT Tunstall. It's a nice song.
Mad: I don't usually get mad very easily, and if I were mad my first reaction probably wouldn't be to put on some music, but maybe Antisocial by Trust? It's French and it's angsty. And it's in Guitar Hero: World Tour.

The Mediacorp show looks crappy already. But I'll strive on!

Sooooooo. Bye!

Guess what I've been doing for the past hour? Yeah, I was watching Pokémon. The first two episodes. Nostalgia much? And it's Deepavali, so gimme a break!

It seemed apt for the mood I just set, so. And because we grew up watching the English version of the intro, I have to say that after comparing it with the original Japanese one, the English one was better. Usually it's the other way round. :O

I was pretty bummed out two days ago, what with the French test and an essay due next week which I haven't quite got my head around. And I came across Kurt Cobain's suicide note on Tumblr. I thought it was really interesting in an incredibly sad and morbid way.

Anyway, I don't want to do the 30 day thingamajigs, because the topics for the day bore me: Day 14—A non-fictional book, and Day 08- Short term goals for this month and why. B-o-r-i-n-g. But I shall give short answers anyway, because it's such a waste to give up like that. So, a non-fiction book huh? I don't really like non-fiction. Who cares about facts? Give me some escapist fiction any day. But I have a few I bought from book fairs (love'em). There's this non-fiction book called The Perfect Thing, about iPod and Apple. I haven't read it, but it's at my bedside. Which is absolutely messy. D: All right, so, short-term goals? I don't actually believe in all the goal-setting hoopla, because I'm not one to set them and then review them to see if I'd actually achieved anything. I do make to-do lists, but those are out of necessity, because sometimes I can't remember what I have to do and when things are due. But to-do lists are not short-term goals. Their more like short-term deadlines. Uh. To distract you from my failure to set achievable goals, here's a song!


Forget you, by Cee Lo Green

Of course, the original version is the much ruder "Fuck You", but I shall spare you sensitive souls that. And I think this clean version has a more laid back feel.

Just for the heck of it, I shall do another day. My sister just bought a ukulele and she's fiddling with the chords and it's interfering with my "let me imagine I'm alone" time. I like being alone. And of course, it's interfering with my song blasting.

Day 15—A fanfic

What. D: I ain't no fanfic author! I remember I did write some Pokémon story for composition, which was about an adventure. So I wrote about me going on an adventure with a few other explorers and we found the fossils of Aerodactyl, Omanyte and Kabuto. But it was purely based on some Pokémon episode, so it's not counted as fanfic, is it? Of course I also wrote a short story based on the first episode of Pokémon, where Ash first got Pikachu, but again that was just a textual recounting of the episode, and not much of it came from my imagination. Wow I was so 宅 when I was in Primary School. I'm not kidding when I say I was really passionate about Pokémon. But I don't write fanfic!

Let's experiment though:

Ash Loves Pikachu (because, according to Choo, Ash is in love with Pikachu):

It had been a few days since Ash got his starter Pokémon, the feisty Pikachu, whose gender we cannot ascertain. But one thing is certain, Pikachu was the cutest little thing Ash ever did see, and that was saying a lot, because Misty was quite cute too. But Ash ain't going for some cougar, no thank you.

So it was no surprise when Pikachu started noticing that Ash was treating with a lot of care and concern. So it said: "Pika pika! Pika pika pika!", to which Ash replied: "Oh, it was nothing, those Spearows deserved it for attacking you!" (If you remember, Ash valiantly saved Pikachu from them when they first met) "Pika pi!" "No, you da best, Pikachu!"

This continued for several minutes, and of course, Pikachu could have been talking about the weather for all we know, since I don't speak Pokémon. But Ash, being in love Pikachu, could understand it perfectly. Suddenly, Misty butted in, and she was like "Dude, stop talking to Pikachu already! I'm perfectly capable of stringing together sentences which don't only comprise of the three syllables "pi", "ka" and "chu"!"

Ash, smitten by Pikachu's charms (Pikachu used Charm! It was super effective!), was in no mood with flirting with a human being. So he started plotting with Pikachu, thinking of good ways to get Misty to leave them alone.

Okay, I give up. How does one write a fanfic anyway!? So I googled "Pokémon fan fiction", and the first site which came out had over 2000 pages of fanfic written by all sorts of crazy Pokémon fans. And I found this pretty well written one, a letter written from the perspective of Misty to Ash:

Dear Ash

By Kawaii Cherry Blossom

Dear Ash

It's been five days since you left. Five days, seven hours, thirty-three minutes. Not that I've been counting. Things are pretty quiet around here, or maybe they're just the same as before and it's just me that's changed. I am writing this letter because I was too afraid to tell you how I really felt when I had the chance. That's stupid, I know. We've been friends for so long and I can talk about anything with you, yet, I couldn't talk about this. I have never been able to. I heard a quote once - "sometimes people write the things they can't say". So, here I am.

When you turned up at my door that day, I had never been more thrilled. I hadn't seen you for four years before that, and I missed you more than you could ever know. Our days of travelling around together were the best years of my life. You changed me, you made me a better person, even though I was too stubborn to admit that to you. The thing is…I fell in love with you the day I pulled you out of that river. Of course, I didn't know it at the time. In fact, for a long time I mistook any feelings I had for you as annoyance and hate. You were better than me in every way, and I hated that, so I would get so angry at you and I would always have to prove you wrong. Over time, and as we grew up, I started to realise that the burning I felt in my cheeks when I looked at you, or the passion that would overtake me when we argued wasn't hate, it was just the opposite - it was love.

This realisation caught me off guard. How could I be in love with my best friend? It couldn't happen, it was awkward and stupid and I hated it.

Love changes everything. Suddenly, I was completely self-conscious around you. I couldn't care less about what people thought of me, but around you, it was different. I wanted to be pretty and smart and a good person for you. My chest would tighten when you looked at me with those dark brown eyes, and I would have to quash the butterflies in my chest when you were close to me. Keeping this secret became unbearable sometimes, but you could never find out. We were just kids, after all, and I was sure that it was just something stupid like hormones and that in a few months it would all go away.

Well, it didn't go away.

Fast forward a few years and to the day my sisters called me back home to Cerulean City to take over the leadership of our Gym. I was more than devastated to leave you. The thought of being without you was unimaginable. You were more than just my best friend, you were the boy I loved. I felt like everything was falling apart that day, but somehow, you made it okay. See, I had been hiding the fact that I was in love with you for so many years because I knew you didn't share the same feelings. You were young, and you could care less about girls, but not only that - why would you have feelings for me? I was nothing special, I was just a tomboyish runaway from a town I didn't want to return to. Not without you anyway. I didn't want to go anywhere or do anything without you. But that day, you gave me hope. You told me how much our friendship meant to you, and I saw something in your eyes that told me you would miss me as much as I would be missing you. But sometimes life gets in the way of what we want. I left you behind that day and spent every day since missing you. I wondered what you were doing, who you were with, whether you had found a new travelling partner to replace me. I tried to get in contact with you a few times but it was difficult - I had no idea where you were. Then, I finally got to meet up with you and Brock, and I met May and Max. Boy…I really wanted to hate May, just because I would have given anything to be standing where she was standing. But, she was so great, and I just couldn't. I had to face the facts that you had moved on, you certainly didn't belong to me, and I would just have to get over it. So I said goodbye to you once again and returned to my life.

Time passed quickly at the Gym; I was incredibly busy every day and admittedly I used my work as a distraction, to take my mind off of the void in my heart, the part of it that belonged to you. Never did a day pass where I didn't think of you though. I saw you once more after that, but then…nothing. For four years, the only contact we had were a few postcards. Each time I would receive one my heart would leap, because it meant you were thinking about me. But, I doubted you were thinking of me as much as I was thinking of you.

Each time I would pick up a paper or turn on the TV, there you were. You had gotten so good, not that I was surprised - you were everything I knew you would be, and you had so much more to give. I knew you wouldn't stop until you achieved your dream, and I was so proud of you.

Still, over the four years I didn't see you I carried my love for you like a weight on my shoulders. My sisters tried to get me to date, they said I was wasting my life away, but I couldn't let go of you. I compared everyone to you, and there was no comparison, because there is no one in the world like you, Ash. You are one of a kind, and you were the only one I wanted…

I answered the door last Tuesday just like I did every other day, expecting it to be yet another cocky young trainer wanting a battle. When I swung the door open and found you standing there, I could hardly believe my eyes. There you were, same bright eyes, same childish smile; you were taller than me now, but you still had that same unruly mane of hair. I stood there gaping at you, I don't know how long for. My senses were rendered useless, I could barely move. Then, you pulled me into an embrace and I knew everything was going to be okay. You were back with me and that was all that mattered. As I stood wrapped up in your arms, all of those feelings I had for you came rushing to the surface. Even in your absence, nothing had changed - I still loved you as much as I always had.

I had never felt happier as I did those next two days. Just being in your presence made me smile, a real smile - something I hadn't been able to do in a long time. You told me of all of your adventures in Sinnoh and Isshu and I listened intently, enjoying the way your eyes sparkled with enthusiasm as you explained how you battled valiantly and fought off Team Rocket. I was so comfortable with you I felt like we had never been apart. But of course, as you returned, so did my awkwardness around you. The blushing, the butterflies, the inability to speak and make any sense, it was all there, and it was worse. As you had grown you had somehow acquired some sort of power over me, which rendered me useless under your kind stare, and your gentle touch.

That night, I sat across from you as we ate dinner at the restaurant, caught up in your gaze as you spoke of your plans for the future. You were leaving the next day, and I knew I probably wouldn't see you again for a long time. I couldn't bear the thought of going through that again…of being without you again, but what choice did I have? Our paths were separate. I couldn't leave the Gym, just like you couldn't give up on your dreams.

We walked home under the stars. It was cold, so you wrapped your arm around me to keep me warm. I leaned into you as we walked, content to let me cheeks burn unnoticed as you held me. Your touch sent waves of electricity through me, and I didn't ever want to leave your side. Too soon, you pulled away - we were at the Gym. You turned to face me and your eyes shone under the faint light of the stars. And then…it just…happened.

When we kissed, I felt like everything finally made sense, like my life had meaning - meaning which I had been searching for, for so many years. There you were, standing in front of me like I had always dreamt you would. I know people say that a kiss is just a kiss. Well, that's a lie. I never felt more alive than in that moment, when your lips touched mine, your hands brushed through my hair and you pulled me closer and closer. Nothing was ever more clear - I loved you, I loved you more than ever and I wanted to be with you more than anything. But…did this mean that you felt the same? At the same time as I was blissfully happy, I was completely confused.

I spent that night lying awake, my head spinning with thoughts and my heart yearning for you. I almost got up and went to you a few times, but I wanted to leave things in your hands. I knew how I felt, but I had no idea what you were thinking. So I lay awake through the endless hours of the night, contemplating every possibility. I must have fallen asleep at one point, for when I woke up the sun was in my eyes. I got up and went downstairs, only to find you waiting for me, your packed bag beside you.

I felt my heart break as I faced you. After what had happened between us, you were still leaving like this?

I begged you to stay, to talk to me about what had happened, to talk about us. You explained that I was your best friend, and I was the person closest to you in the world, but that it would be best if we just stayed friends. You said that you didn't regret what had happened between us, but that a relationship between us would not work. I stood there as you spoke, and then hugged me goodbye, and then walked out of the door, and out of my life once again. I said nothing, did nothing, and then you were gone. I stood there like a useless idiot, unable to speak, to tell you how I felt, to do anything to get you to stay. And then I fell apart. I didn't get it - how could you leave me so easily? Did you truly feel nothing for me? Or were you just afraid?

When you left, you took a part of me with you. I can't smile anymore, I feel empty, like a hollow shell of the person I used to be. With one kiss you had turned my life around, and with one word you had shattered my heart into a million pieces. Friends. I don't want to be friends. I love you. I want to spend the rest of my life with you.

I'm lost and I don't know what to do now. I know you have made up your mind, and I know that realistically, it makes sense. But I know that in your heart, you feel the same way as me. I saw it in your eyes and I felt it in the way you kissed me. You were never one to follow your head, Ash, you always follow your heart. I don't understand what has changed… I don't understand why or how you could just leave. Maybe I'm not enough for you. Maybe you've found someone else, and maybe she's ten times the person I am. I don't know, but the wondering is killing me.

I suppose I will go on with my life, just as I did after every other goodbye. But this one is by far the worst. Each day I will wake up and hope you will call me, but I will probably be disappointed. You are on another incredible adventure, after all, and I am just the girl you left behind.

I hope you know that you have changed my life in a big way, Ash Ketchum. You have made me a better person, and I hope that someday soon I will be able to look into your eyes and tell you that. But for now, I guess this letter will have to do…

I love you, Ash. And I just needed you to know.

Love, Misty

Like, no way right? How long is that!? And why didn't Misty end up with Ash? They were so cute together. And my cousin had this soundtrack from the first season of Pokémon, where there was this song called Misty's Song (had to google. Because I remember the song ends with Misty saying "I love you", but I had no idea what the song's called). And it's on Youtube! Didn't think I'd find it.



The video's kinda crummy (no offense. Pokémon fans are always cool) and the singer has a whiny voice (I never noticed that when I was younger. So it's true that the older you get the more critical you become, huh?), but it's the song nonetheless, so, uh, enjoy! I thought it was the saddest, most poignant song I ever heard when I was ten. Don't judge me.

Oh and in my opinion the Ash Misty Brock trio was the best one of all the seasons. Tracy/Tracey, which so is a girl's name, just didn't cut it. Oh and one of the Great Mysteries of Life, which continues to elude me, is why Brock left Professor Ivy in a state of great depression (I googled it and found this). I always thought they would at least bother explaining it, but I guess I'll never know. Speaking of which, one of Pokémon's original writers (creators?) passed away, which is incredibly sad.

Moving on,
Day 09- Something you’re proud of in the past few days

Uh. I didn't do anything which qualifies for that. I guess I studied for the French test the day before, which is quite an achievement. D:

So, I really showed you some of my 宅 side today, didn't I? I'll leave you with your brains buzzing with all the Pokémon stuff I just posted. J'aime bien Pokémon!

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