Vivien ♀ Twenty one (21) English Literature Major ✎ A Gleek ♬ I love you like a love song

I've been having weird localised stabs of pain in my head. I attribute that to an average of 5 hours of sleep (I NEED SLEEP) per day for the past week or so. Good night to you to.

I have some time to kill now before French (two hour break per fortnight) so I'm blogging! Haven't really used this thing in a while except to talk about how Latin is cool and anagrams rock. I just had an American literature lesson, and honestly I have to thank my years of watching American sitcoms and cartoons for my not being absolutely lost in the class when the lecturer's speaking.

He was talking about the Boston Tea Party, and Declaration of Independence, among other nationalistic American history stuff. I learnt about the former from a Suite Life of Zack and Cody episode, and the 1776 Declaration from Fairly-odd Parents. So while other people were being studious and hard-working my long hours of being a couch potato has led to my not feeling that out of depth in the lesson. Television is good for you, people.

We're reading some Ralph Waldo Emerson essays right now, and if you think the name is familiar it's because on those advertisement boards in MRT stations they often quote his inspirational/happy quotes, which I don't quite remember; it was something about happiness.

I know I haven't been online much lately, because honestly Facebook is turning into a quagmire (love this word) of boredom and I'm just too lazy to turn on my laptop when I'm at home because the internet makes me sleep late. And when I'm not using my laptop I'm on the internet on my iPod and you all know that you can't multitask on the iPod, the screens are small and the thing's pretty laggy at times, and I'm just too darned lazy anyway. If you need to know one thing about me it's that laziness is usually the main reason why I don't do things.

Not boys.

Somehow Chip and Soke May (and now Choo) speculate that the reason I don't appear online or on FB that often is that I have some amorous activity going on.

No, I don't.

I am so hungry!

I skipped the first lesson of the day (10 to 12) and had breakfast at Mcdonald's instead, then after that I slummed at Starbucks until 1 and headed to school for my next lesson. My timetable's an absolute bitch this semester. I have an 8am tutorial! French, which means I can't even zone out because French tutorials are all about speaking French in class whether you want to or not.

Anyway I want to tell you the awesomeness that is skipping lectures. I was absolutely dreading going to school this morning because I just wasn't in the mood (not a very good explanation, I guess, but if you stay in Pasir Ris and you take almost 2 effing hours to get to school you're allowed to feel that way). It wasn't because I didn't like the lecturer or module, both are, so far, interesting (Asian-American lit. I don't like how English is transmogrified into weird, meandering "colloquial" forms (Amy Tan, anyone?), or how the protagonists are trying to find their identity. Sure, pressing, serious issues, but GET A GRIP, PLEASE, but as of now it's still managing to hold my interest). So, skipping lectures: DO IT. I swear, when I decided to forsake crossing that one last road separating me from the bus interchange and the humongous queue of would-be latecomers, the sun was suddenly bursting with warmth and birds were singing in the chopped off branches, and I felt like belting out some showtunes.

No, not even a hyperbole.

I swear it's good for your heart.

I am so dreading French! The lecturer speaks only in French now, and on Monday she was saying something which I thought was "Tu Toyer" and "Vous Voyer", which I honestly thought were some wacky new verb which I haven't learnt. I kinda grasped at straws and guessed what she was talking about (how in Uni people used "vous" and whatnot), but I was trying to get over the shock that I can't zone out in French anymore. Eh.

After googling, turns out it's not a verb, it's "tutoyer" and "vouvoyer", apparently. How can I live without you, Google! Take my info, go on, all yours!

I'm in the library anyway. Rare, huh? I'm usually averse to spending time in the library but the weather was killing me. And I wanted to blog. Anyway you should read Emerson, he makes some really interesting points. And here I was thinking all he did was talk about happy and inspirational things. Which he does.

Uh.

I was reading some online article and it was about how after the advent of the internet (and google, I guess) people start taking for granted that whatever information they needed they could access easily, like this pool/reservoir of knowledge, so people don't bother trying to remember stuff when everything can be found on the internet. Okay, not a brilliant observation, but yeah. It suits me just fine, being a lazy bugger.

I hate people who whisper in hushed voices in lectures. I do that sometimes too, should really try to change that habit.

Time to get into study mode!

Pardon the Latin in the blog heading. I've been reading Marlowe's devilish play and that phrase just caught my attention. For a piece of Renaissance drama, it's really not too bad, at least something is happening. I don't have very high standards when it comes to reading plays.

Oh I need sleep. My brain isn't actually functioning at the moment.

Washington Crossing the Delaware

A hard, howling, tossing water scene.
Strong tide was washing hero clean.
"How cold!" Weather stings as in anger.
O Silent night shows war ace danger!

The cold waters swashing on in rage.
Redcoats warn slow his hint engage.
When star general's action wish'd "Go!"
He saw his ragged continentals row.

Ah, he stands - sailor crew went going.
And so this general watches rowing.
He hastens - winter again grows cold.
A wet crew gain Hessian stronghold.

George can't lose war with's hands in;
He's astern - so go alight, crew, and win!

-David Shulman

Every line in the poem is an anagram of the title. How awesome is that?

Everybody loves Cyanide and Happiness.

Remember how I talked about my dream home and its floor to ceiling book shelves? My house will not be in Singapore. Besides the obvious reasons of humidity and crazy HDB prices, there's this, and new Mediacorp dramas.

If you didn't open the link and read it, it's about those parents who volunteer to get their children into top primary schools, which is a practice which encourages elitism since only parents who can spare the time (time=work=money) have the advantage. Meritocracy my ass. Even though I don't agree that being in a "top" primary school (see derisive use of quotation marks?) guarantees your offspring will be the next, uh, Lee Kuan Yew- for want of a more appropriate person- it's simply appalling to see how transparently elitist our society has become. What's wrong with good ol' neighbourhood schools, like the wonderfully charming Park View Primary School, where students smoked leaves and threw chairs?

But really, I came from there and you don't see me smoking freshly plucked leaves, do you? I'm just this sane, normal, well-adjusted young adult who's every bit the cog in the machine. Isn't that the aim of education? You don't see me kissing girls (because, y'know, the whole LGBT rights thing) and joining the opposition, do you? I'm every bit the true blue, "increase transport fares, why not? I can do with less money! In the meantime, why don't you fuck my hypothetical wife and kill my hypothetical children too? I ain't stopping you!" Singaporean.

Wait, there I go again, sounding like some delinquent. I'm not saying that life isn't "so far so good" for me. By the way did you know that we Singaporeans love saying that? I digress; life so far has been really good to me- I'm in school, I haven't died and I'm not destitute, yet. But this isn't about me right now, it's just that lately I've found that I'm disliking Singapore at an increasing rate, and by the time I do want to have my own home I'm not sure I'd want it here. I swear it's not just the weather.

I cannot be sure if there are countries I'll love more than Singapore, because I haven't lived in any other country for more than a month, but I know that I'll have to try finding one because there's no place for someone like me here. I'm not hard working, pragmatic or driven, I don't have a scholarship, and I have dreams which aren't state-sponsored. Whenever I tell people I'm an English Literature major, the first question they ask is "What do you want to work as, a teacher?"

I should buy a shirt which goes: "No, I don't want to be a teacher", so that it'll clear the matter up. I don't know what I want to work as, and I don't want to be a teacher, not because it's not a noble job but because I feel like strangling people who don't understand my half-assed explanations. I'm not very patient. Plus I've met too many inept and self important teachers and I really don't want to get caught up in the meaningless teacher politics.

Speaking of which, She-who-must-not-be-named is going to become VP at a girl's school, with all her self-righteous rhetoric and bull. So much for being part of the reason why half the cohort took up GP tuition; if you need a reason to believe in the randomness of life and the meaninglessness of your endeavours this is it. Of course that's only if you believe that higher income and status is the end-all of your endeavours and the purpose of your life, so yeah okay I'm just shooting myself in the foot here.

Where was I? Oh, why I'm starting to dislike Singapore? It's mainly because of the fact that we are progressing too quickly and choosing pragmatism and economic growth over everything, so much so that we're slowly losing touch with the human side of things. Who cares if the trains are crowded and people find it tough to keep up with increasing fares if it means an extra million or two in my pocket? Who cares if other parents cannot volunteer as long as my child gets in a top school and eventually gets a scholarship which I can brag to other parents about? Not my fucking business.

Guess what, it's really not my fucking business, because I'm not one of those who are detrimentally affected by the fare hikes (sure, it'll mean I'll be spending more but it's not likely that I'll starve because of it), nor do I have a child who's turning 7 soon, but I just hate it that everything that the country considers to be important is completely dissonant to what I think is important. Call it selfish, but I want to be in a country where you're not considered completely worthless if you're not economically viable as a person, where if you want to raise a child he/she can be free to enjoy a childhood (which is a construct, but shut up I'm trying to make a point here) instead of worrying about tuition and whether he'll be able to catch up on the curriculum. Plus it's not like today's education system is anything to give up a happy childhood for, since it's still basically 80% rote learning (think Chemistry), 10% "creativity" and group work, and 10% sucking up to the correct teachers. See, statistics is fun!

Sometimes I can't help but feel like a failure for not getting a scholarship so that my parents can one-up their relatives/colleagues, because like it or not it happens. It's not like I wasn't given the opportunity to get one, but it goes against every fibre of me to lie to the old coots on the panel and grovel to them just so I could get a scholarship. Sure I wouldn't end college in debt if I did, and I would have a secure job for at least 4 years (or for life if I wanted, unless I suddenly developed a child-porn addiction), plus it would have given my parents supreme bragging rights ("Yeah she got a scholarship. And nooooo she never had any tuition in JC. Huh, your girl had tuition ah? What tuition?" I don't actually know what they talk about, but I guess if one-upmanship's the game then it's probably something like that). But if you don't stand for something you'd fall for anything, right? I would never have been able to lie through my teeth just for a chance to get a scholarship without feeling like I've sold a part of my soul.

It's weird how I turned out to be so anti-pragmatism. It's not even that bad a thing, because you need to be pragmatic to survive, don't you? You can't eat ideals and dreams. Conversely you can't live without dreams too, can you? I wish I knew a way to balance the two, because on one part I need to pay back my parents for everything they've given me so far (cha-ching), which means slogging my guts out for the rest of my life or so, and the other part of me just wants to leave everything behind me and explore the world, both literally and figuratively. But that's another problem for another day.

I blame Enid Blyton books. They're all about fairies and pixies and toys coming to live at night, which feeds into the imagination and leaves you thinking that anything is possible. Since when was anything possible? I'm so free right now and yet all I can think of is how I'd be heavily in debt in the future and my life would be just that, a paper chase and a dead-end job. I'm terrified by that future, honestly, because what if that's all I'll ever be?

When I was younger my aunt read my palm. I have this line which runs from the bottom of my middle finger to the bottom of my palm/start of my wrist, sort of like a line splitting my palm in half. My aunt said that line means I'll have a highly successful career in the future, and I remember thinking that must mean I'll be a in a high-level managerial post, because that was what I was conditioned to think when the idea of success if brought up. I don't believe in palmistry, but if I were to define success on my own terms now, it wouldn't "a high-level managerial post".

I'm going in circles. I shall read up on palmistry now! D:

Chip ★ Choo ♥ Cecilia ★ Judy ♥ Linette & Yingxian ★ Jiayin ♥ Vina ★ Skins ♛ Twitter ☁ Blogger ☢ Facebook ☠ Tumblr ♐

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